Friday, November 20, 2009

Japanese Company Introduces Congressional Intern Robot

Model Features Rechargeable Nasal Battery and Bong Accessory

Washington D.C., Nov. 15, 2009 (OMG Booth #1209) – Hityonda, a Japanese company, today announced a tatooed high nasal capacity congressional intern robot, adding more options for those seeking a true Generation Y Congressional Constituent experience.

The new COCN-420 congressional intern functions identically to older flesh and blood units feature for feature. It automatically refuels itself with cocaine, cannabis, or any other available pharmaceutical, comes with an iPod and Blackberry which it continually adjusts while pretending to listen to calls from constituents, and repeating in a stuporific monotone, "Good idea (dhuuuude!), I'll send that along to the Congressman."

COCN-420 is also programmed to respond to questions from Congressional constituents about Cap and Trade and Health Care; and it is fully capable of saying "I don't know" (IDK™)., and "I'm not sure" (INS™), and "no, I didn;t know they were voting on that today".

According to a Hityonda spokesperson, the COCN-420 is available immediately in offices of Republicans and Democrats for about $30,000 year, comes with its own backwards ball cap, is self replicating, and has advanced agenda driven neural net programming lethargy features specifically designed to gut democracy from the inside while preserving an image of propriety and customer service.

COCN-420 is available in two models:

Option-JO responds to spoken commands preceded by the proper name "Josh". This unit spoke Standard English until it was 16 years old, but now speaks only in rapper dialect.

Option-JU responds to spoken commands preceded by the proper name "Justin". This unit introduces itself to people with the salutation "whut up?", and it has infinite battery resources to repeat the phrase "no worries" over and over.

Both models can be programmed to Kill/Protect Sarah Connor, and are shipped with a spare set of ankle length "plumber butt" shorts and "no fear" T-shirts for business casual functions.


©2009 Sam Mela

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